Sunday, January 17

Government Reminder – Taxes = Civilization

by Judson Crabb

With the collective heads of the media industrial complex exploding about the release of President Donald Trump’s taxes, I thought it might be a good time to reexamine a few of the quality government programs our tax dollars go to fund. Keep in mind, this list is nowhere near exhaustive and only covers certain expenditures which have been publicized to some degree over the last decade (parenthetical notations are included by the author and are in no way an attempt to shape your opinions on these critical issues).

  • $50,000 on television commercials promoting Christmas Trees at Christmastime (a novel concept)
  • $150,000 on yoga classes for federal bureaucrats (can any of them touch their own toes?)
  • $188,000 on a study attempting to figure out why Americans do not want to use the metric system (‘Murica)
  • $250,000 for children from Pakistan to travel to the United States, attend space camp, and visit Dollywood (sounds like a dream vacation)
  • $350,000 for a study about the 1972 video game “Pong” (I would support this if it were Super Mario Bros.)
  • $850,000 on a made-for-television cricket league in Afghanistan (talk about must-see TV)
  • $853,000 for a wine-making studies curriculum for community colleges (what about moonshine distilleries 101?)
  • $50,000 for teaching female entrepreneurs in India how to “vlog” (is that even a thing anymore?)
  • $15 million on the effectiveness of golf equipment in space (just in time for Space Force)
  • $43 million for a gas station in Afghanistan that practically no one can use (no phones, no lights, no motorcars, not a single luxury)
  • $18 million supporting Egyptian tourism (sand and pyramids = money)
  • $9 million for a fruit fly quarantine program (I wonder if this was as successful as the COVID-19 program?)
  • $700,000 on a study about what Neil Armstrong said when he landed on the moon (one small step for……no, that’s not it….)
  • $75,000 for using leaf blowers on lizards (no comment)
  • $2.4 million for studying daydreaming (this must be for Californian schools only)
  • $460,000 to study frog mating calls in Panama (again, no comment)
  • $33 million for student textbooks in Afghanistan (too bad the books were all in English)
  • $22 million spent on bringing Serbian cheese up to international standards (maybe we can pair this up with the community college wine curriculum for a once-in-a-lifetime experience)
  • $28 million for forest camouflage uniforms….(wait for it)….in Afghanistan (nothing says military intelligence like jungle camo in the desert)
  • $874,000 spent studying the sexual habits of quails on cocaine (they switched from heroin to cocaine because it cost too much to send the quails to the methadone clinic)

So the next time anyone complains about paying “their fair share” please remind them their funds are going to a good cause. As Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. once said, “taxes are the price we pay for a civilized society.”

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